Archive for October, 2008

Tired

It’s been a while since I started this blog. I don’t know what had come to my senses that I decided to have this, adding up to the 5 other blogs that i have started, having five to ten entries and after that forgot that I had, i mean have it. I thought I could update this everyday but I couldn’t. I thought I could be one hell of a blogger, but I couldn’t, I wasn’t, at all. I thought I could write but I couldn’t. I’m not a writer and I was never born to be one. I was trying so hard to be a writer. But I guess things just didn’t go my way even from the start, but I was neglecting it. I was not even accepted to the university where I applied and having creative writing as my course. It was not my calling.What do I want to be? What am I suppose to be? What should I be?WHAT DO I WANT?

I had all the choices in the world, but I still don’t know what I’m good at. I didn’t know the things I am good at. I can’t even finish anything that I started. I was a walking dead man.

I’ve been into classes where they talk about reasons for existence, what a being is and all the things about it and what makes it as it is, but I ended up all grossed up by all the things about the purpose of life that in one way or the other I had to live by. What is the purpose of my existence? Why am I here? Why do I such  things? How come other people are great, I mean, why do some people are called great men? Why do I ask these questions? Am i just insecure? Or am I just one-hell-of-a-lame-ass-loser who doesn’t know what he/she is?

What if I was moth? maybe I woudn’t last a decade or even a week. What if I was bird? maybe one day someone would just shoot me while I was having the very best day of my life flying across the sea. What if I was something else that is not what I am right now? not a human being. What would have happen to me? Would I still have the luxury of spending 17 years of my life?

All the things I have right now, I didn’t ask for it, nor did I wish and hope for it. I didn’t want any of this. I don’t find relevance on everything that I have right now. Am I starting to be negative? Or am I starting to have little-ego-boosting-whatever now? Could this be just a phase in my life where I start to think too much of myself and start to forget that I had more than enough to see each and every wonderful things in my life?

When will I grow up? When will I start to see things more than what I see it is? Do I need someone to help me realize those things? Or am I just enough to pick myself up? Isn’t just everything a game I had to be in forever? then if it is a game, I am not hating it, I hate the player.

Oh, when will I ever get tired of asking myself’; when, why, what, where, and how?

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